Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

Motherhood,  The most difficult "job" I ever voluntarily and wholeheartedly attempted.  I have two beautiful girls.  My oldest will turn 18 this year.  Somehow, I have never been "good enough" for her.  I love her with all my heart and have given her the best of me, and yet, she hates me.  I know this is supposed to be "age appropriate" for someone of her age to dislike their parents, but that does not make it hurt any the less.  According to her, I am despicable and a drain to be around.  Hmmmm...    I pray to God that this is only a phase and that someday, soon, she will change her mind.  

She is achingly beautiful, headstrong, strong willed, and very intelligent.  She is the most self determined person I've ever known.  In some ways, I see so much in her that reminds me of me.   Unfortunately, my relationship with my mom has been very complicated and painful my entire life.  I have wanted so much to have a better relationship with my girls.  I raised them so totally different than I was raised, but still, we come to this awful, awkward age of seventeen, almost 18, and I get an "f*** you" for Mother's Day and a litany of my faults. Hmmm...... Not what I had expected.    

I dedicate today's blog to all those tireless  mom's who attended all the soccer games, dance lessons, fittings, recitals, PTA open houses, parent/teacher meetings, and classplays.  To all the moms who stayed up late to help with the projects that weren't yet complete, or who helped study long lists of  vocabulary words.  To all the mom's who made God a priority.   I dedicate today's blog to all the moms who held little hands during all the mandatory vaccinations, orthodontist appointments, and surgeries.  To all the mom's who carted their girls to All Star practice sessions and competitions. To all the mom's who know that it is important for their children to separate from their parents and to make their own way.  I dedicate today's blogs to all the mom's who simply did their best.

Motherhood, the toughest, richest job in life.  Happy Mother's Day.

PS.  I know I have been away a long time.  I apologize for coming back with such a downer entry,  I've been busy and will have many (hopefully) finished projects to show you soon.                              

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


some of the pretty posies I have been working on...

                                      a doodle I coloured while chatting with my middle brother 
a cross bookmark and dishcloth

granny mandala..... I'm thinking this could be the pretty beginings of a round cusion.

OH, I doing a happy dance!!!  I've worked out the photo thingie, and there they are!!!  These are a few things I have been working on over the past few days.  Not much, but they have kept my hands busy.  If you are reading this, THANK YOU!  This must be the most crudely constructed blog out there.  I think the biggest problem I'm having with this is that I can't focus long enough to read instructions!  ADDish!   Especially lately.  Seems the more I worry, the worse it gets.  I so wish I could give up the worrying thing.  It's like the worse habit I have, and I have to believe it's a habit.  It can't just be how I am or who I am. 

If you ever watched X-files, then you know who The Smoking Man was.   Well, I'm The Worrying Man... well, except I'm not a man.  The Worrying Woman didn't sound quite right.  So, anyway..... I can't be The Worrying Man.  I don't want to be that.  So, I pray, pray,  pray, and still worry. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I thought today would be picture day, but for whatever reason, I can't get my photos to upload to the blog page! I was really looking forward to showing y'all what I've been doing.  The Peony Corsage from February's Inside Crochet is positively addicting! They really work up quickly and are relatively easy.  I have made a BUNCH. 

Have I told you before that Inside Crochet has got to be my most favorite of all the pattern magazines that I have seen?  I wish I could afford the subscription but since it is a UK mag and I live in the US the cost is prohibitive.  I can't explain it but I prefer my magazines in hand.  One or two digital patterens is okay, but if I am going to look at an entire magazine I want to be able to hold it, feel the weight,  and browse through the pages with my hands...... the experience is much different than holding a lap top and pushing buttons.  Are you like that?  maybe, I'm just old fashioned that way.  I dunno.

I also, bought a digital download from Annie's Attic (ironic, eh?) of thread cross patterns.  So, easy.  I wanted to show you one that I had made but I suppose that will have to wait for another day when I can't work on the picture thing a little more. (I'm full of contradictions. Ha!)

Oh, merciful God, what has happened to Japan?  The awsome power of nature!  The beautiful resilience of the Japanese people!!! I pray that God and his Angels protect these people from futher horrors... I am overwhelmed trying to put into words everything I feel about this.

I don't really want this blog to turn into a political or religeous discussion, but I do want to say please pray for the people of Isreal. There is a great and powerful evil moving in our world.  There is also a great and powerful Light.  Stand in the Light. Reject the evil.  Amen.

Now, my mini Schnauzer, Bella, is telling me it's time to take a walk outside.  Oh,wow, have I mentioned it's been perfect weather here for the last week or so?  Absolutely gorgeous in Central Florida.  So, off for that walk we go......

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Scattered Wednesday!

I'm working on too many crochet projects at once! But I keep seeing more things I want to try.... 1) the Peony Corsage from Inside Crochet issue 14 in red cotton. 2) Elizabeth Cat's Japanese flower tutorial in soft acrylic .... really easy to follow! 3) Crochet with Raymond's Mandala Granny..... I am thouroughly enjoying this one!!! 4)Amy Faith's Throw in Bernat Cotton ...been working on this one forever!(Amy Faith is my daughter #2)  5) Red,White, and Blue Throw in acrylic (Micheal's Loops and Threads) It's been almost done for a almost year now 6) Kitty Plush from Marmalade Rose.... so simple and cute!  7) a baby boy blankie for Rose Hope's (daughter #1) cheer an acrylic that I'm not liking. Thankfully, the baby isn't due for another couple of weeks! ........ and I'm really itching to make a doily from one of Crochet Galore's collection.......OH!  I'm so ADD sometimes!

And, today is Ash Wednesday.  I have been praying on how we were going to get to church without a car.  I mean I was really thinking of us all walking the 7 miles when totally out of the blue God answered my prayer! I ran into a dad of one of the boy's in Rose's CCD class at Publix last Sunday afternoon and he offered to give us a ride with his family. Awsome! I don't believe in coincidences.  I believe in Providence!!!

So, I'm still working out how to add photo's to my post.  I promise as soon and I can figure it out, I'll have pics of all my WIP's for y'all!

God Bless

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Was I crazy?

I'll let you decide. So,I wanted to know if I could hoof it all the way to Target, shop a while, and walked back home with all my purchases.  Keep in mind that I'm an impulse buyer.....and Ugh!  I took a pictures of all my bags bungi corded to a cart.  I don't yet know how to add a photo or I would show you.

Looking back, I think it's funny that I was so optomistic about the whole adventure....but, MAN!  The pain is screaming today. 

Maybe, I'll know better the next time I get a bright idea like that.

Well, Hello!

How do I begin?? My purpose for this journal of sorts is to document my progress from stagnant, stuck in a rut retirement from life to living, vibrant participant in this world  of mine.  I know, it sounds so hokey, but give me a chance. Ha... a year ago at this time, I was so depressed I could hardly function.  Life was a major pain.  I mean, literally a pain.  

Fibromyalgia has been a member of my family as far back as I can remember... we didn't know what to call it. I don't think the doctors agreed what to call it, or if it really was legitimate enough to deserve a name.  We just knew that my mom wasn't well. And then, my aunt was diagnosed with the same ailment.  The more we understood of the condition, the more apparant it became that most of the women in my mother's family were living with fibromyalgia to one degree or another.

I was in denial.  I was determined to NEVER be like mom. Hahaha!  Jokes on me.  I was forced to retire from a very good career in law enforcement, due to the pain that had been ignored, while progressively getting worse until it was not possible for me to withstand the weight of my uniform.

So, it's two years after I signed the retirement papers, waiting for disability to be approved, and I'm tired, no, fed up with not living.  I've just been existing, living just to get through to the next day.  It has taken my car being repossed, a real wake up call, for me to decide that it's time to LIVE.

I intend to document my progress here. Hopefully, I'll find some encouragement, and maybe make some friends, maybe I'll even get a handle on this fibromyalgia and the depression. 

I've got so much to write, but I've written enough for tonight.  It's way past my bed time.  Ha!  I'll save the explaination of the name/titles of this little blog for another day.

God bless.